Part II: My Own History
I have spent a great deal of my life very interested in being spanked. It is something that has been inside me since around Junior High School and quite possibly far earlier. I have thought about it obsessively at times, masturbated over the thought since those early times, and tried to figure out why I felt this way, because there are certainly aspects of it that are not considered normal, even though I dont think it is a terribly abhorrent aberration.
The nature of my submissive side, the huge part of me that wants to be dominated and spanked has a distinct masochistic aspect to it, but I dont think it is founded in masochism, I think the foundation is love. As I try to figure it all out, it comes down to two basics in life: Nature vs. Nurture.
On the nurture side, I don't want to blame anyone, certainly not my parents. I don't think there is anything to blame anyone for. If part of my attraction to spanking came for the way I was raised, it took hold because it was also part of my nature. So there is no one to truly blame. It just is.
My own childhood physical discipline experiences were fairly few. My folks were kind if not affectionate people. The first spanking I truly remember was around the age of 7, and my Mother was very mad at me and took a long rubber dog toy to my butt. The problem was, it was very soft and it hit with almost no impact. I distinctly remember being amused by that.
Later in life I would receive two beltings from my Dad, the last while I was in early High School. There was a lot of emotional trauma there, I struggled and fought and was taken down. The actual beating was minor, it was the struggle that was so emotional.
Two things came from that.
First, as I look back, I realized that such moments were also the only time my parents said that they loved me. That they were spanking me for my own good and doing so because they cared. As a sensitive kid I think that meant a lot to me. I may very well have come to associate spanking with love for that very reason.
Second, anytime I hear a belt being un-buckled, I get a bit nauseous. It is a deep feeling that also explains why I have never been able to even wear a belt. They have such a negative connotation. I can now wear one with a performance or re-enactment costume, but I shy away from them in the mundane world. Always have.
The next experience that I think was a major influence on my submissive side and my attraction to strong women happened when I was around 14-15 years of age. A woman friend of the family decided at a holiday party that my hair was too long (same length as it is now) and insisted I wear a bow in my hair. I resisted of course, and she wrestled me to the ground and put it there in front of a small group of friends and family. It was incredibly humiliating and yet at that point in my puberty quite arousing too. I think my interest in spanking migrated to that event as well, and the idea of being overpowered, dominated, and spanked by a strong woman has been with me ever since.
Sometime within the next year of those two events, the humiliating take-down and the last belting, I had made a spanking machine in the half-basement of our home. It was a private place for me, and though that paddle machine didn't work well, my interest in being spanked had cemented in.
A few years later I receive free copies of Playboy, Penthouse, and the like; which were sold at the front desk of the hotel I worked at and left behind in the rooms. In the early 70's Penthouse had a monthly gathering of letters to the editor called "Pain and Pleasure", many of which involved spanking stories. I was in heaven. Between those stories and the Penthouse Pets I was in masturbation heaven.
It may be at that point that my own experiences with spanking and humiliation congealed into my basic attraction to being Dominated as it exists today. Never will know for sure.
No need to go too deep into my later life, my few girl friends and my now ex-wife were not interested in spanking me, something I had always been shy and careful with. Only in the last decade, with the advent of the internet and my willingness to explore the subject has my kink world opened up.
My first Domme was really just an old friend I finally got the courage up to ask about spanking me, after she said one time when she was mad at me and said I needed one. She was not a real Domme, and ours was one of mutual exploration, me of my spanking fantasies, her of a need to be more assertive. I think we both gained a lot from those many months of occasional D/s.
At that point, despite being aroused by fiction like "Harriet Marwood: Governess", I though my primary discipline fantasy was traditional over the knee spanking, with hand or paddle. However, my friend had carpel-tunnel syndrome and traditional spanking was too impactful for her. So we switched to crops and canes fairly early on and before I knew it, I was no longer just a guy who liked to be spanked, I was a genuine submissive who enjoyed behind dominated by strong confident women in what can easily be described as traditional BDSM situations.
I have been in FemDom based relationship about once every year since that time. Most only lasted a few months, the last went for a year and a half. All ended as friends. I have been pushed in a lot of kinky ways, into areas I never thought even ten years ago I might go to. And I have few if any regrets. I am a submissive. I particularly enjoy impact play and of being of service. The cane has a great hold over me. And I am hoping someday to experience outdoor and pony play. Such are my hopes.
As for the pure nature aspects of this, I am an introvert. Can one be an alpha-introvert? An interesting topic I might delve into later.2013 shysatyr.com All Rights Reserved
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